I woke up terribly depressed this morning

I woke up terribly depressed this morning. I've known it was coming on; earler this week a guy from church got after me a bit for not coming to church (right after saying he'd never want to offend me). I told him I'm happy the way I am now; then he proceeded to say he wasn't as "charismatic as bishop Clark..." (Ken Clark was a bishop of a ward I used to attend, and later left the church). I'm not sure what he was getting at, but it was clear that the people at church believe I am a victim of Ken's negative influence or some other nonsense. I put forth a lot of effort to make sure that Teri and the boys are happy and taken care of, and then I concentrate on my own mental well-being. I happen to be much more at peace with myself when I am not trying to live up to the expectations of religious people. I am at peace because I know I am now being honest in my beliefs. I don't try to change other people's minds about their faith because I strongly feel that if they receive comfort in their faith their lives are better for it. I wish this respect was reciprocated.

In any case, I don't want to write about religion right now, I just wanted to write down what triggered today's depression. Last night I had the types of dreams where it takes a while to shake off when I awake. It took me a good hour or so to differentiate between what is real and what happened in my sleep. Whenever I awake in this way, I get very sentimental and begin thinking about the past way more than is healthy. I get sad that things did not turn out the way I thought they would as I grew up. I miss old friends, and dwell on decisions I should have made differently. I do this at the expense of my present happiness, which of course leads to deeper depression that starts to affect the lives of my family in a bad way.

I've learned to be aware of this behavior and do something about it while I have some control. The most effective thing for me is to ride. Riding gives me trafic to think about, potholes to swerve aound, mechanical nuances to be aware of, and things to see. As I ride, the unhealthy thoughts are slowly replaced by feelings of peace, and wonder at how beautiful natue can be. I gain confidence as I maintain control of the bike in hazerdous conditions, survive wavering SUV's driven by soccer-moms with cel phones glued to their ears or wildlife bursting from the shadows. I forget about the past mistakes and think about my wife and kids and how much I love them.

Depression will always be with me. I think it is a part of many people's lives. Some people may get relief from it with faith and religion. With me, those things just make it worse. I've found an activity that keep me in a mentally healthy state, which in turn makes the lives of Teri and the boys better. I cannot apologise to the men in our ward for not being what they expect a good father and husband to be; but I do know that I am doing my best, and that Teri, Jarid, and Jaremy have better lives because of the efforts I make to be a positive part of their lives.